Tres Jolie

You all should might know my body has been a tad out of whack with the pregnancy, loss of pregnancy, hormones, chemo therapy, and fertility drugs I’ve been dealing with. In the midst of all this chaos I have also felt a new level of stress and anxiety like never before. I can’t say for sure that it is the infertility itself causing the stress or the stress causing the infertility. It’s a vicious cycle I tell you. One thing I can tell you is that I have decided to take a different route in one of the aspects of this process. I am not refraining from the typical Western Medicine routines that I have been on, only adding a side of Eastern as well. It’s official- I have scheduled my first acupuncture appointment.

I have always been intrigued by acupuncture (along with other Eastern Medicine practices) but it has never taken a top priority in my life. To be honest, I’ve never had a real need to look into it. I didn’t need it for pain management which is what most of us here in the US use it for because I’ve always had such a high tolerance for pain, or have tried the “mind over matter” approach. Don’t get me wrong, Vicodin works pretty well too. Either way, I just never came to that point where I looked into alternative options. Until now.

My stress, short temper and lack of ovulation have made me realize that whatever it is I am doing isn’t really working. My body is not being all it can be, and that my friends is an issue for me. I need this body to do everything that God intended it to do (and more if I can!). So, on the first day of my 12 day holiday I will go in for an acupuncture appointment for fertility and all over wellness. The Mister will actually be home for Christmas (a later post on that coming I promise) and will arrive just in time to be my photographer for this appointment. I plan to take a few quick snapshots when I first get started and will let you guys know how it goes after the appointment.

“There’s never been an acupuncture study in China with a negative result. What are the odds? About the same as a fair coin flip coming up tails 99 times in a row or a fair investor always beating the market.”  (via The Skeptic’s Dictionary)

I mean, what can really go wrong with something that was been successful since 305 B.C.? (Yeah. Mind. BLOWN.)

Here I go again on my own. Going down the only road I’ve ever known. Like a twister I was born………………….. Ok, ok. So this is NOT the only road I’ve ever known and I am most certainly NOT going down it alone. I just cant resist from singing that song anytime I hear the words “Here I go again.” On my own.

As we end November and come into month 17th of our trying to conceive journey I can’t help but think of all the ups and downs we have experienced recently. I wouldn’t compare it to a roller coaster simply because in our house roller coasters are a blast and only last roughly 2.4 minutes. Not this journey. No fun and not fast. Would I change it if I could though? Probably not. I know that the Big Man Upstairs (we capitalize that, right?) has His own plans and His own will and I wouldn’t want to mess with that. What if this is just a small piece of the master plan? A journey that is meant to teach us to appreciate our little (soon to be) miracle? What if this leads us to helping others that have been through similar situations? This, somehow, was meant to be.

From the ages of 12-19 I knew everything. I knew I was going to be married by 21. Have my first child at 23 and my second at 25. Two boys to be exact and if I was going to have a third (a girl) I would have her by 27. All 2 years apart. HA! I laugh at that girl now. Who did she think she was trying to PLAN her future? If I only knew then what I know now I wouldn’t have been so pompous. Silly girl. (Yes I am aware of the time lapse between 19 and when I got married at 26. I went through a punk rock, player by trade, marriage is for the birds kind of phase. Just excuse that naive time period please.) Now here I am just a few weeks from my 29th birthday, after being married just under 3 years and still no little one. Funny how things work out isn’t it??

If you know anything about this journey or have been following along, then you know of all our Clomid Chaos. Either way, here is a quick breakdown followed by the newest of new news.

After our ectopic pregnancy in October of 2009 my body stopped ovulating. My regular OBGYN told me that she would only do 3 rounds of fertility treatments before sending me to the fertility specialist. This is how it’s gone:

First try: 50mg - No luck.

Second try: 100mg - No luck.

Third try: 150mg - DING DING DING. We have a winner.

(CAUTION: Words like intercourse and cycle ahead……….Read on at your own risk)

There it was. A positive LH test the morning of a day in which we shared a hotel room with some friends. Two beds, one room, two couples. Never the less this was business. My best friend Farrah reminded me that this was a job. Our job. It meant business and we needed to do the deed. Alas we did but to no avail it wasn’t in the oh so famous “window” or better yet they just missed the bus. However, something happened similar to last month and I started my cycle AGAIN on my own. I know that may mean nothing to most females but to a woman who feels like her body has let everyone down- I was more than thrilled. 31 days, on the dot. Like clockwork.

Now that this has happened two months in a row and I finally ovulated this last month I can pretty much pin point when (assuming I do) I will ovulate in December. (Ready for the zinger??) And when I do, Paul will be in New York. That’s right ladies and gentleman: This process is mocking me. All is well however as I talked to my Doctor who couldn’t have been happier. She was thrilled with all of the new developments and we discussed my options. With the advice of my OBGYN and discussions with my husband, we decided to take this month OFF of the Clomid in order to determine if my body can pull it off on its own. Paul will be gone anyhow so if it doesn’t - then nothing was missed and we know to go back to the 150mg in January. The Doc even stated that she NEVER, EVER prescribes a fertility treatment to a patient more than 3 times in ANY situation………….but for me, for me she has a “feeling”. She is breaking her own rules because she too knows that THIS is the time.

So stay tuned and know that I appreciate all of your kind words and encouragement. Prayers and good ju-ju are still need more than ever and I adore all of you for sending them our way!!!

If I’m not pregnant by Jan. 01, 2011 then I’m turning the “nursery” (spare room for 2 years now) into a guest room. At this point it is an empty room slowly filling up with baby items. I’m crossing into Creepersville fast and need to rectify this soon.

Gah Baby Daniels, hurry up or you’re losing your room.

With today being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day I thought it would be an appropriate time to tell the story of our loss. Just a heads up that if you are a male friend, co-worker, brother or just someone that doesn’t want to hear about such words as “cycle”…………………….. Move along little doggy. Move along.

We had been trying to conceive since July 25^th, 2009 when Paul left back to New York in mid September. With barely two months of trying under our belts we weren’t too concerned with ovulation charting, tests or temps. We were just a couple of “newlyweds” trying to create life. I had started my cycle just before he left which obviously meant I wasn’t pregnant. After coming off of my birth control and never really having consistent cycles I wasn’t too surprised to see that I had been bleeding for over 10 days. Around day 17 I began to freak out. Paul was gone and there I was wondering what was going on with my body. Was this normal? Surely I wasn’t pregnant. Still to this day I don’t know what it was that caused me NOT to call my OBGYN and instead go to the store and buy a pregnancy test, but I did. I actually bought a pregnancy test and a bowl of gumbo but that’s another story.

Expecting the test to be negative (as they always were before), I took the test and went to eat my gumbo while I waited for the results. I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER forget the feeling I felt when I saw those two little pink lines. The crazy part is………. I was so incredibly excited that I never once thought of the negative possibilities. All I knew was what I wanted to know: That I, Jolie Daniels was pregnant.

I took a pic of the test and although you aren’t supposed to tell anyone until it’s confirmed, my best friend didn’t fall under that category. I sent the picture to her right away since Paul would be asleep far away for another 2 hours. I tossed out the gumbo as I was entirely too excited to eat. I must have jumped and bounced around my house by myself silently screaming for a solid 20 minutes before I got worried about the baby and sat down. I also must have called Paul’s phone a good 200 times because when he woke up and saw the missed calls he rang me in complete panic. It didn’t take all of 5 seconds before I screamed “I’M PREGNANT!!!”  I’m not sure if he believed me at first or if he was just smart enough to know that being pregnant and bleeding for 17 days wasn’t a good sign. I scheduled an appointment first thing the next morning and headed in to find out what was going on. When I first got there I took a pregnancy test and waiting in the exam room for the results. The nurse returned and immediately starting talking about what all of the possibilities were: heavy spotting during first trimester, miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy. My response: “I’m sorry, was the test positive or not?” The nurse quietly shook her head yes. This was my first sign.

I was sent up immediately to get an ultrasound. On my way out, the second nurse gave me a random hug. This was my second sign. I called Paul on the way to the ultrasound and told him what was going on. I was calm, cool and collective. I still didn’t believe that anything negative was going to come out of this. I climbed up on the table in that cold dark room with my husband a million miles away (or at least it seemed). The tech came in and started the ultra sound. There it was. A beautiful, tiny, 7 week old fetus staring right back at me. I knew it was because the nurse clicked on all four sides and labeled it PREGNANCY. This was the first time that I wasn’t excited. I just laid there in a daze while the doctor entered. He looked at the screen and a few whispers later he turned to me and said, “Unfortunately, what we know now is that you have an ectopic pregnancy in your right tube.” I was already crying at this point, I know because I could feel the tears running down my cheeks, but that was the only thing I could feel. “I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear this morning, I’ll give you a few minutes by yourself.”

I don’t know that there was a darker, colder, lonelier room in the world that morning. I cried, I sobbed, I tried to pull it together. The optimism that was with me just 45 minutes early a measly two stories down must have been left in the elevator on my way up- I was brutally aware now of our situation. I was monitored, poked and prodded until they told me that I was going to have to terminate the pregnancy with 2-3 doses of Methotrexate – A form of chemo therapy. My appointment was the next morning.

I arrived in tears of course after having to spend the night before telling my husband, my Mom and my best friend that my body had failed. That I was about to have to terminate the one thing I had wanted so badly. On October 15^th, 2009 I received two huge syringes filled with neon yellow chemical that was designed to kill off every living cell within my body, including that of a child’s. The next 3 weeks were horrible. I alone had to deal with the side effects of the chemo, the emotional effects of the loss and the mental effects of the process that was taking place inside of me. Thanks to the friends, family and amazing husband that I have we have healed both physically and emotionally.

The doctors cleared us to start trying again in February of this year but only if we “were ready.” We couldn’t have been more ready and still are. As most of you know we have continued to try this entire year and will do so until our blessing from God arrives. His will, His timing. The pregnancy and termination have caused me to stop ovulating and I have now finished my 2^nd round of fertility treatments. I am tired and frustrated, but I will not let it stop me. I will stay strong and carry on.

I feel for anyone that has ever had to experience any type of loss, especially that of an infant or child. I’ve said before and I’ll say it again: It comforts me to know that I’m not alone, but saddens me to know that ANYONE would ever have to feel such pain.

Just because we never met you doesn’t mean we didn’t love you.